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My Story
IT WAS THE LATE EIGHTIES and I was only an adolescent girl when I became the victim of a sexual predator. The deception and subjugation would fracture my faith, my femininity and my future. Before releasing me, he threatened me to stay silent.
LACKING THE COGNITIVE ability to process the traumatic event and unable to reach out for help, I felt like I was trapped inside of myself. I would hide it all behind my smile but secretly, I wished that I was never born. I just wanted to go back and be the other girl, but it was too late, she was gone. Although the event was over, I never felt safe again.
SURVIVAL MODE became my new normal. I suffered with panic attacks, flashbacks, dissociation, insomnia, and self-sabotage.
I THEN FOUND MYSELF struggling with my identity as a young woman, navigating my way in a patriarchal society that not only justifies, but celebrates the degradation, dehumanisation and violation of girls and women. Discovering that the expectation of being born female, was to deny our own existence, only exacerbated my trauma.
BY ADULTHOOD, I was extremely high functioning. I was able to work, study, and contribute to society, but I struggled to commit to anything on paper as I needed the option of being able to escape any situation immediately. I had no career prospects, no interest in dating or relationships, my friendships were mediocre, and my mental health was in turmoil.
I WAS SEEKING God, so I began going to church. I spent nearly ten years, in numerous churches. I had some nice moments, but it never felt right and I ended up walking away with more questions than answers than when I walked in.
FOR TWENTY YEARS I experimented with numerous traditional methods of therapy, some yielding little to no results, whilst others rendered me worse off.
IT GOT TO THE POINT where I decided to stop therapy altogether. My therapist was trauma informed and well intentioned but after attending more than five years of weekly sessions, I asked her why nothing was changing. She said that it was, but it wasn't.
A FEW MONTHS later, I noticed an advert for an online Trauma Seminar and I rolled my eyes. The next day it popped up again and for some reason I felt compelled to watch it, so I signed up. The first Speaker was a Trauma Survivor and PTSD Specialist. She had spent decades using traditional methods of therapy and after experiencing no positive results, she stopped going to therapy and started seeking joy.
SHE embarked on a healing rampage and through trial and error, would successfully heal her own PTSD. She explained how survivors have no real concept of time or the future. If we are unable to stay present in the moment, we will keep being pulled back to the past and therefore will not be able to imagine a future.
I WAS ALWAYS late. Always. Time was always getting away from me and I could never quite keep up with it. I understood that the future was the time ahead and in the distance, but I realised that I could not actually conceptualise myself in the future.
IN THAT MOMENT, I knew without a doubt that I was going to be just fine and I wanted this woman to help me find my way out of this nightmare. I reached out to her to express my gratitude and I discovered that she was not accepting new clients.
I HAD TAKEN lots of notes and decided to implement everything that she said had contributed to her recovery and I began my own journey. A few months later, she contacted me and said she had an availability. I was ready and willing to do whatever it was going to take to be free. The best part was that I was not required to retell my story or relive the event. Soon after, I began the Trauma Recovery Process and one year later, it was complete.
I worked with a Trauma Survivor and Specialist
SHE CREATED a process and together we designed a program that would bridge the gap from my past to my present and into my future.
WE INCORPORATED neuroscience and physiology to deconstruct and reconstruct my thought patterns.
HOLISTIC techniques helped me reconnect with my body and relearn to trust my intuition.
VARIOUS practises supported me in releasing stored emotions and finalising incomplete memory formations.
AS I APPLIED what I had learned, my symptoms gradually dissipated and I witnessed my own evolution- becoming the version of myself I had envisioned at the start of the process.
SUMMARY
Book in Progress
SUMMARY
This forthcoming memoir takes readers on the expedition of how I set myself free from PTSD. From one year in solitude in a treehouse in the middle of the forest to launching a mission designed to help women around the world reconnect with the truth and beauty of who they are. This story chronicles how I learned to sit with, in and beside every thought, feeling and emotion I had been running away from. Transforming trials into triumphs, I hope this story inspires survivors to reclaim their power and restore their identity because... not only is trauma recovery hard work and heart wrenching, it was also the most fun I have ever had and the best year of my life.
